b e t t e r FAMlLx
A + B o o k
Feel like you could
use a survival guide
fo r dealing with the
teenage alien in
your midst— o r just
a good laugh? Read
G e t O u t o f M y L ife ,
B u t F ir s t C o u ld You
D riv e M e & C h e r y l
to th e M a ll
? by
veteran psychologist
Anthony E. Wolf.
2
GET A CONVERSATION GOING
Tweens and teens have the superhero power to
turn into stones. Not a sound escapes their
mouths, unless it’s the ultimate sigh of the
unbearability of life. Everything about them
seems to say: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
But, in fact, they’re really waiting for you to
demonstrate your superhero power to read
their minds. “Parents sometimes worry that
they’re invading their kids’ privacy, but it’s their
job to ask questions,” says Ted Lempert,
president and spokesperson for Children Now
(
Ch ild ren N o w .o rg
), a nonprofit advocacy group
for children and parents. Lyness says parents
can often get a new-school-year conversation
goingsimply by asking: “What’s the toughest
part of your day?” The answer might reveal a
problem as minor as working a stubborn
combination lock or as major as bullying. In
any case, targeting the problem is the first step
to finding a solution.
The last thing kids want to hear is a lecture,
so look for everyday opportunities to spark a
conversation. A movie or a public service ad on
TV can often generate a freewheeling and
rewarding conversation about alcohol, drugs,
and coming of age. A news story about a
student getting suspended for bringing a knife
to school can generate a discussion about
violence and resolving conflicts peacefully.
Lyness says just thinking out loud can help, too.
Remarking in the car that “Megan really grew
over the summer” might trigger a meaningful
conversation about puberty.
Create an open environment in which your
kids feel like they can ask any kind of question.
Don’t dismiss a question with something like,
“I don’t know. Finish your dinner.” It’s OK if
you don’t have a ready answer. Try saying, “I
don’t know. Let’s go find out.”
;.-=■ V
DON’T DO ALL THE TALKING
Most parents tend to be in problem-solving
action mode 24/7—it’s a default setting. “Once
your kids open up to you, hear them out. Often,
what your child needs is for someone to just
listen,” says Lyness. “Help them think through
the problem and solve it on their own.” Ask:
“What do you think would help?” or “How do
you think you should deal with this?” Lyness
says it’s also crucial for parents to remain calm
in discussions with their kids. “If we act like it’s
the end of the world,” she says, “what are we
teaching them about dealing with future
setbacks?”
Highlight your child’s past successes at
coping with change—surviving camp or a
recital. “Kids are always succeeding in new
endeavors. Remind them of that,” says
Lempert. Also remind them that you have
every confidence in their abilities. “Saying T
know you can do it’ is a very powerful thing,
perhaps the most important thing you can
send them out the door with,” Lyness says.
4
TACKLE THE TOUCHY SUBJECTS
Talking about sex, drugs, and bullying with
children is a tough job, but every parent has
to do it. Tap into the wisdom of other moms
in your circle who have been through it, or at
Parents.com.
There is also a wealth of
practical advice at Web sites such as
Talkingwithkids.org
and
KidsHealth.org
(and
its new tween-girl site,
Pink1ockersociety.org).
Role-playing can be a valuable tool in
helping tweens and younger teens cope with
high-pressure situations on the horizon.
Imagine scenarios where a boy gets too frisky
on a date or your son is at a friend’s house
and the group decides to raid the beer
refrigerator in the garage. In most cases, a
simple but assertive “No thanks—I don’t
want to” will control the situation. Older
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SEPTEMBER 2009 BETTER HOM ES AND GARDENS
